Coping With Criticism: 4 Things That Work
A life free of criticism is headed for trouble.
Without it we lose self-awareness and can’t course correct when we’re falling short.
Whether the criticism is coming from the little voice in our head or from the people we work with and care about, it can evoke strong emotions and drastically affect how we view ourselves.
We can mishandle criticism by becoming upset and defensive and refusing to let it in or by allowing ourselves to become overwhelmed by it and spiralling off into self-reproach and losing confidence in ourselves.
Coping with criticism and treating it as an opportunity for insight and growth is not an easy mindset to master, but when we apply strategies that transform the hurtful into the helpful we can catalyse a powerful and positive change in our lives.
It’s Complicated
Coping with criticism isn’t straightforward because criticism isn’t straightforward. It’s intent, who it comes from, and how it’s delivered are all going to influence how it impacts us.
When we’re given feedback about how we can improve from a person who respects us we’re being given a gift worth accepting.
When we’re routinely put down by someone who enjoys exerting this kind of control over others, then letting their ‘feedback’ in can have a deleterious effect on our life.
Criticism could arise from a simple misunderstanding, or someone else’s personal bias that they might not be aware of.
Understanding criticism’s different flavours can help us respond to it dynamically in a way that enhances our life.
We can do this by asking:
Will this Help or Hinder?
If feedback is delivered calmly, focuses on particular things that you’ve done, close to the time that you’ve done them, and it describes how you could have approached things differently, then move through the initial twang of discomfort and listen to it!
It is always helpful information because even if you ultimately disagree with the person’s analysis, it has given you important insight into how your behaviour can affect other people emotionally, and tunes you into your habits and patterns of behaviour that you might not be fully aware of.
Coping with criticism of this kind is a vital skill for life and for growth.
If, however, someone is performing a full frontal assault on you and listing multiple ways you are getting it wrong across multiple domains, the reason it feels like you’re being attacked is because you are being attacked.
Coping with criticism of this nature is not something that anyone should be expected to do. When someone is lobbing hand grenades at you the correct response is to run away.
The key difference with this kind of criticism is that it is going after who you are, rather than a specific what you do, and no good can come of it.
Being clear on the difference allows us to filter out undermining comments and embrace the ones that strengthen us.
Another factor that can help us to determine whether it is the sort of criticism that can help or hinder is to consider the Losada Ratio.
Based on research by John Gottman, this ratio is the sum of the positivity in a system divided by the sum of its negativity. In other words, if criticism is all you ever get from a particular source and that is not diluted by at least three positive remarks for each critical remark they give you, then ultimately the problem is with them.
They are not communicating their feedback to you in a functional way and you have a right to give them critical feedback on that particular matter.
Is this about Me or Them?
Sometimes criticism reflects the critic's own ‘stuff’ - their pet peeves or personal prejudice, their insecurities, or unresolved issues. A little bit of detective work is needed to figure this one out… Consider the context:
Does this person get routinely upset by the behaviour of other people?
Are they prone to dissatisfaction and complaint in multiple situations?
Do they seem emotionally dysregulated a lot of the time - i.e. angry and or anxious.
And, importantly, are they willing to enter into a two way dialogue with you about what happened and help you understand more about what’s going on
or
Are they sticking to being in a one-way ‘message delivery mode’ where they are there to talk about how they feel and you are there to listen, with no interest in how it affects you.
If a lot of these signals are flashing then be careful not to entertain or internalise their negativity.
Listen to what they’ve said without interruption to let them burn off some of their ‘fuel’. Then reflect it back to show that you’ve heard them, using the prefix “So I hear,” i.e.”So I hear that you’ve found me selfish and feel like I haven’t been there for you as a friend, lately.”
You can respectfully acknowledge their distress e.g.: “I can see that this has upset you and I am sorry that you are upset.”
If they start repeating themselves or intensifying their accusatory tone, it’s time to make your excuses and leave the conversation, with the option to return to it when they are calmer.
If there are numerous indicators that this is about their ‘stuff’ then use that perspective to distance yourself from what they are saying.
Coping with criticism is a lot easier when you know it is really not about you.
What’s in the Box?
Let’s dig into taking the context into account.
Sometimes, well-intentioned feedback might be poorly communicated, leading to misunderstandings.
Is this someone you know to struggle with poor communication skills, generally?
Are they short or time or in a stressed or pressured situation which might be affecting them at this time and affecting how they talk to you?
Is it someone you respect and trust and the past has proved they feel the same about you? If so, don’t be too quick to throw away the gift just because you don’t like the box it came in.
Take time to cool down after the exchange then unpack the box.
Search for the truth in what was said, with a cooler head. There’s probably something important in there somewhere. Part of the art of coping with criticism is being able to sieve out the one nugget of useful gold from the sludge of poor delivery.
Am I Flipping My Lid?
Coping with criticism can be emotionally challenging. Criticism, especially when it is not skillfully delivered, or if it catches us on a bad day feels socially threatening.
The spectres of ostracism, shame and losing status jangle our survival instincts, and the brain commonly reacts to social threats by ‘flipping its lid.’ This is where our emotional midbrain takes over and becomes disconnected from the more rational upper brain.
We can on longer listen to reason and we are emotionally flooded by feelings like defensiveness, hurt, self-doubt and anger.
When this happens, coping with criticism can become very difficult. Becoming more skilled at managing emotional dysregulation makes us far better at coping with criticism.
The first step is to spot its indicators early.
As you listen to the criticism, notice what’s happening to your breath, your muscle tension, and your heartbeat. What expression is your face assuming?
At the first signs of activation, summon the calming support of your parasympathetic nervous system by breathing through your nose in for a 6-count and out for a 12-count. Speak slowly, keep your voice level and low and don’t escalate the tension by interrupting to defend yourself.
Keep half of your attention on counting your breath to create emotional distance whilst still staying engaged. If you notice your dysregulation continues to climb despite applying all these strategies, make an excuse, say you can talk about it later / tomorrow / next week, and leave. As flipping our lid often triggers negative self-talk and self-doubt, make a point, as you are cooling down after the encounter, of challenging these thoughts.
You can do this by focusing on evidence that contradicts them and reminding yourself of your strengths, achievements, and previous instances of overcoming challenges.
Growth is around the corner
Coping with criticism is something we get better at with practice.
Applying some of these strategies and questions whenever criticism is given will help to transform criticism into a catalyst for personal and professional development.
Self-regulation, the ability to remain open and the wisdom to withdraw, humility and courage all build our base.
And although even once we’ve mastered coping with criticism, it is still never a pleasure to hear it, that is a good thing because growth usually arises from discomfort.